- After a historic election thumping, the Liberals are split between soul-searching moderates and right-wing revivalists — but neither side has the recipe to fix the broken cake.
🗳️ The Wrap, With Aussie Grit and a Side of Stats:
After getting thumped in the 2025 federal election like a meat pie in a blender, senior Liberal Party figures reckon it’s time for a serious rethink. Some want to charm the voters back with inclusive policies and real plans. Others? Well, they reckon the party wasn’t conservative enough – as if doubling down on grumpy grandpa energy is gonna bring Gen Z onboard.
🔧 A Broken Church and a Busted Compass
Simon Birmingham (ex-finance minister, now part-time truth bomb dropper) reckons the Libs’ famous “broad church” is more like a haunted shed these days. He’s called for serious reforms – including quotas for women in preselection. Yep, the “Q” word that’s been a no-go for Liberals since Pauline wore leopard print.
“The Liberal party is not seen as remotely liberal,” he said. Ouch.
Meanwhile, folks like Dave Sharma and Arthur Sinodinos are calling for brains over bluster, saying “grievance politics” (aka, shouting at clouds) isn’t enough to win. Apparently, you also need, you know, a plan.
🔄 Dutton’s Doomsday Plan Didn’t Fly
- Nuclear energy pitch? 🚫 Blew up in his face.
- Hard stance on Indigenous ceremonies? Alienated more than it rallied.
- Internal polling showing wins in Labor seats? Totally off – might as well have been reading tea leaves in a Bunnings mug.
Jamie Briggs (Dutton adviser) copped some blame for campaign bungles. Others say the Libs misread the “No” vote on the Voice as a license to veer further right – when voters actually just want real solutions.
👩💼 Gender Imbalance? Still a Thing
Labor reached gender parity in caucus back in 2014. The Libs? Still acting like “women in politics” is a trial run. Birmingham’s pushing for “hard, fast and ambitious” quotas. No doubt some old blokes in blazers just spilled their tea.
📊 Custom Chart: Liberal Party Blues – Key Takeaways
| 🔍 Issue | 💬 What Happened | 📉 Impact |
|---|---|---|
| Election Result | Massive loss under Peter Dutton | Morale & seats tanked |
| Broad Church | Declared “broken” by moderates | Party identity crisis |
| Women in Politics | Birmingham pushes for quotas | Could modernise image |
| Strategy & Messaging | Nuclear, Indigenous rhetoric flopped | Voters not convinced |
| Future Direction | Split: Moderates want centre, Right wants hardline | Internal power struggle brewing |
📢 Quotes Worth a Cold One
“It was the toughest night for the Liberals ever.” – Andrew Bragg
“You’ve sent the troops into battle without ammunition.” – Alex Antic, clearly still in trench warfare mode
“Make the Liberal Party great again.” – Also Antic, channeling Trump via Adelaide
“The Liberal Party always knows how to bake a bigger cake…” – Philip Ruddock, baking metaphors while Rome burns
